


Insecurities are Frustrating

by Atumun15



Series: The Negative Aspects of Life [4]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hidden Relationship, Insecurity, M/M, Multi, Sad, like i apolgize, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 04:06:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14608926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atumun15/pseuds/Atumun15
Summary: My obsession with the way I looked was concerning for everyone who saw it, which just so happened to be very few, if not just me.





	Insecurities are Frustrating

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't edited. Like it's a mess.

It’s fair to say everyone and anyone can be hit with at least one insecurity in their lifetime. It was apart of growing up and maturing as a person. Of course, we’re human, we have at least one flaw and I was thought to take that flaw and let it consume me when I was younger. But now, as I stand in front of the mirror with guilt in my heart and unsettlement in my stomach, I realized just how naive I was to do that to myself. It was wrong of me to give into those awful ideas and let it consume me for the entire seventeen years I’ve lived on this earth.

It was unbelievably frustrating to feel like everything you do is a waste of time. It’s incredibly frustrating to look in the mirror and see everything wrong with you like it was tattooed in bright, neon letters. It’s incredibly frustrating to listen to the nagging thoughts in your head in the voice of your mother and father on repeat. Everything about it was way too fucking frustrating for it to be healthy; and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

Looking in the mirror has become too often of a pass time for me, and it definitely wasn’t my favorite either. To those who are not aware of the context behind it all, it could sound vain to them, but I can assure you it is anything but. Looking in the mirror once a day to fix my hair in the morning quickly turned into standing in front of the mirror during the entire duration of getting ready, looking in the mirror when eating, looking in the mirror when singing, and much to Chan’s disappointment, looking in the mirror when dancing. My obsession with the way I looked was concerning for everyone who saw it, which just so happened to be very few, if not just me.

If you were to ask me to pick out ten insecurities about myself and name them off of the top of my head, I could give you twenty instead. I have created this mental list in my brain, my mother starting it for me at the age of four, and it just keeps getting longer and longer as time passes. And as I look in the mirror in front of me, I wonder why the hell anyone would even bother sparing me more than one glance, much less any sort of love.

It wasn’t as if I deserved it. My braces were too bulky, I was too whiny, I looked so much younger than I am, I can’t dance, and my voice hurts anyone and everyone’s ears. These were all facts and just a scrape into the surface of everything I hated about myself. I wanted to improve, make myself better so I didn’t drag down the rest of the guys before and after debut but it seemed as though no matter what I did, I wasn’t good enough. It was rather stupid of JYP to eliminate Minho instead of me back on the survival show, maybe stray kids would be doing a lot better now without me.

The bathroom was too quiet for my liking, the only thing being heard was the slow, repetitive dripping of the shower faucet. Water dropped uncomfortably from my soaking wet locks onto my shoulders as I stood in front of the mirror in a dark t-shirt and fuzzy, blue, plaid pajama pants. My body still felt sticky from the shower I had taken from less than five minutes ago and my clothes cling to me like a second set of skin. Yet, the only thing taking over was the way my too long hair covered my eyes and my complexion was sickly pale. I gently ran my fingers along my face, squishing away the cheek fat and pressing down on my nose in hopes of reducing it maybe a little but the pressure of my fingers couldn’t do such a thing.

I realized just how bad my acne had gotten and the way my stomach stuck out a little too much. I needed to stop eating so much, my skin was bad and I’m getting fat. I could cut down on the food, it’s not as if anyone would notice. We eat collectively as a family so someone else would no doubt eat my portions. It wouldn’t be a big deal. Maybe I should go back to the dance studio and work off some of this fat- “Jeonginnie-ah, you’ve been in there a while, are you okay?” The sound of Seungmin’s muffled voice striked fear within me when it shouldn’t have, not when I cared too deeply for him. But here I was, stood in the middle of the bathroom as frozen as ice.

“Y-Yeah!” I stuttered out, picking up my dirty clothes off of the ground and wadding them up in my arms before opening the door and stumbling out. Seungmin caught my hips on my way out with a frown. “Hyung…” I hushed, glancing away and making sure no one was around but we were seemingly alone much to both my relief and disappointment. Seungmin tugged me closer to place a gentle kiss to my forehead and it didn’t make my heart flutter like it used to. I didn’t deserve to receive that sort of love. Hyunjin And Seungmin did, but did I? No.

I quickly excused myself, darting past him shyly and making it back to our shared bedroom with a heavy sigh. Except, I wasn’t free yet. As soon as I shut the door behind me and turned, there was Hyunjin, lying down in his bed with a book resting on his stomach as he read in content. Hyunjin flickered his eyes up to meet mine for a moment and offered me an incredibly soft smile. It was cute. “Hey, babe” he greeted casually, shutting his book and sitting up. I offered him a hum at best, cursing my inability to open my mouth and form words. I threw my clothes in the hamper in irritation. “What’s up?” Hyunjin snuck up on me, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind and nuzzling his neck into my shoulder.

“Just tired” seemed to be a common excuse now a days, and Hyunjin knew it too.

I could tell he wanted to pry, god I could see it in his eyes but luckily, we weren’t given that chance. Jisung came barreling through the door, Changbin behind him with a gentle smile, “movie night, Bitches!” Jisung screeched, earning a giggle from Hyunjin and a twitch of lips from me. My heart was beating out of my chest from moving away so quickly from Hyunjin, the elder looking too closed off and casual for my liking. From somewhere in the apartment, Minho and Chan yelled at him for his language and Jisung went stomping away to the living room, grumbling under his breath with Changbin cackling behind him.

When the two left, Hyunjin turned towards me once more and I felt disappointment bubble in my chest. I didn’t like hiding this. I didn’t like hiding the relationship I had with Hyunjin and Seungmin But could I really blame them? Who would want to be openly dating me of all people?

Movie night went about as well as one would expect. Woojin freaked out because Felix was still at the dance studio, Jisung couldn’t shut up during the entirety of the movie, Chan and Minho were way too lovey dovey for a pair of friends and I was forced to sit between my two boyfriends who insisted on being pressed right against me. Of course I wouldn’t have minded if we were alone, but feeling them both rubbing my thighs underneath the blanket when Changbin was a few feet away was entirely nerve wracking. If they were to find out… I shouldn’t think about it. I overthink too much.

Before heading back to the room anxiously, I splashed my face with some cold water in the bathroom to calm myself down. They were going to leave you alone. Jisung would be there. They’re not going to do anything with someone else around. While it was reassuring in a way, it made my stomach twist and heart hurt. They were ashamed of me. They couldn’t risk anyone else seeing.

Except, when I got there, Jisung wasn’t in the room and my heart quickened when I shut the door and was immediately pressed up against it. A gasp fell from my lips and I flickered my eyes up to meet Seungmin’s, feeling him cup the back of my head and surge forward. Our lips molded together, fear and adrenaline pumping through my veins. “J-Jisung-“ I tried to argue but Hyunjin came up and pressed a sweet kiss to my neck and shook his head.

“He’s with Changbin Hyung, there’s nothing to worry about, baby” Hyunjin reassured, I noticed the way Seungmin was much more gentle with me than before and I wondered if it was because he was disgusted with me or that he realized that Jisung could walk in at any moment. The two of them covered my upper half with kisses, somewhere in between Hyunjin muttering something that made a part of me snap, “so beautiful, baby”

I shoved them both away, curling up in on myself as my hands came around my stomach fat and my bottom lip wobbled as a tell tale sign of tears arriving at one point or another. “Don’t touch me.” I whimpered when they both reached forward cautiously. Hyunjin and Seungmin tried to call out to him, using their individual pet names as some sort of coaxing but I was too clouded to really let them take affect. “No” my voice cracked, darting towards my bunk and curling myself away into my blankets with my back turned towards the other two.

I could feel them looking at me as they mouthed stuff to each other, but I silently let the tears fall down my face. I wanted validation, I wanted to be told that I was enough for them and that they loved me as much as I loved them. However, they could tattoo it into themselves and I’m still not sure if I would believe it.

Insecurities are frustrating.

 

[Moodboard](https://twitter.com/atumun15/status/994795811652472832)


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